Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. What we need is idiot control.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. My conscience is clean — I have never used it. Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Inspirational One Liners Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Strangers have the best candy. Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. See more ideas about Funny 1 liners, Epic one liners and Funny humor quotes. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas! It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
It was love at first sight. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Google request: How to disable autocorrect in wife? We are all part of the ultimate statistic — ten out of ten die.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. The farther away the future is, the better it looks. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. What swims and starts with a T? The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Failure is not an option. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an a. See more ideas about Funny 1 liners, Epic one liners and Funny humor quotes. The difference between fiction and reality? I was such an ugly kid. Others have no imagination whatsoever. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies? Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.
Take my advice — I'm not using it. Really… 35 children are enough. Hold on to your nuts! Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. So study hard and be evil. The competition is simly too big.
We have enough gun control. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2? It still contains some pretty bad jokes, but if you feel we missed any hurtful, offensive, or otherwise objectionable content, please reach out to me alejandro thenextweb. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. With a calendar, your days are numbered. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. You get it from your kids.